Up until now, for the past few weeks, I almost felt like myself, but just the last couple of days it’s gotten a bit more rough. So I guess that even though they seem to be working, I’m still having disturbing thoughts. Statistics seem to be on my side in many ways now that I’m being treated, but there’s always the figuring that I’ll never be truly normal. I really don’t want to be that 50 year old woman across from me in therapy who just wants to die. And if the medication can’t put more of a stop those thoughts, then what’s the point of taking it?

It’s good. Yes?

I’m starting to count down the days to our trip home, then panic as I realize that I only have that many left to clean the house, get affairs with the animals straightened around, and basically make sure everyone will survive. I’m worried I’ll come home to a plucked Goffin, as she’s particularly neurotic anyway, and slight changes upset her a lot. I swear my birds are higher maintenance than my kids. I worry that they will be too loud for their caretaker, although she can always bring them back to the house, but then I worry that she has to drive all the way out there twice a day to take care of them. So this all evolves into other worries, which wreaks havoc on my state of mind. As much as I look forward to going home, I’m ready to stay here just so I don’t have to worry about cleaning the house, doing the laundry, making sure the bird cages are scrubbed, checking the cars’ brakes, which I know need to be repaired, and of course I don’t have the money. Top that off with working all of my allowed overtime this week and it’s turning me into a total wreck. I’m just glad the psych refilled my meds for me, because this is utterly ridiculous.

So, right after I posted this, I looked at Twitter, anddd I found this video from John Ostrower, who was on the conference call.

John’s blog can be found here and is well worth a look at if you have any interest in airplanes at all.

My name is Anna. I’m a mother of 2, and work for a large aerospace company with the bulk of their commercial operations in the Puget Sound region. If you’ve ever flown, you’ve more than likely flown on one of our airplanes.

I never imagined I would be doing this for a living, or that I’d love it so much.

Last year my husband, Dan, and I, moved here for me to take this job. I was born and raised in Grand Rapids, MI. If there were jobs there that paid more than 12 dollars an hour, and had any kind of decent benefits at all, I would much rather be there. Dan drives a business delivery route for a large wholesale company based in the Puget Sound area. He never thought he would like a job this much either.

My posts  as of late have been sporadic and pointless. It’s not that I mean them to be that way, but I finally have some reasoning for my insane ramblings. 5 weeks ago I was hospitalized for, and diagnosed as being bipolar, as well as having an anxiety disorder. This is my second major hospitalization in a year, and just as life changing as the bariatric surgery I went through last July. One changed my appearance outwardly, the other has forced me to examine the way I look at myself, my world, and the way I interact with those around me.

To be honest, I’m not sure where I’m going to go with this from here on out. I  just got kicked in the ass with tuition taxes on my paycheck, and I have better things to do with 11 dollars a month than support a website. I’m going to try to keep it up, going to try to keep blogging. Most of the time I’m not in the right state of mind, so forgive me if I go awhile without posting. So, to end, I want to thank the people who have been here with me the last month and a half, especially my mom and little sister, for giving up a chunk of their lives to come help me straighten myself out, my husband for putting up with it all, and the friends who have been understanding and non-judgmental of the things I’ve said and done.

I should be working on my final drawing for my perspective class, but I’m out of ideas and the whole thing is boring me. If I could afford to take the D I would, but Boeing wants a C, so I have to do it, just so I don’t have to pay them for the class. I don’t know why I thought pursuing concurrent bachelors degrees would be a good idea, it puts a lot on my plate. More than I should be eating Yes, I shouldn’t be eating this crap! I say that a lot lately. It’s been hard to put the stress eating on the back burner recently. Next term I don’t have any classes that will require me to do much critical thinking though. I am also planning on taking the summer off from my engineering tech classes. I need the break, it’s been too way much. I may take the summer off from the graphic classes as well, but that’s still up in the air, it’s all online.

I’m tired of being broke from only working 40 hours a week too. We get by, but my checking account is starting to cry, they should have left me in my old group where I was busy and productive, at least I was accomplishing something instead of staring at my computer attempting (unsuccessfully) to look busy, when all I was doing was playing on facebook or doing homework. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, as I was able to successfully complete my chemistry class without having to hurl myself off of a cliff, but I still wish I didn’t feel like I perpetually on the chopping block at work because my group doesn’t have a clear statement of work yet.

I wish I just cared. I don’t anymore.

I’ve been fighting with a lot of plateaus in my weight loss, I keep telling myself its normal, but it is very discouraging. It’s like, I hardly eat anything, how in the hell am I gaining weight? So just for S&G, I weighed myself every day for 3 days, and my weight was fluctuating by 5 pounds, so I guess I’ll just blame water retention.. at least I hope. I’m down to a size 14/16, and would honestly be happy with a 12, I’m so close I can pretend that I taste it. I say pretend because I’m not supposed to be eating that crap

The girls are well, we are now on sitter_05 since we moved here, and hoping this one will be the last. Gretchen was momentarily obsessed with the potty, but that interest has passed. I was disappointed, but she is only 18 months old. Amelia has entered a real attitude phase, so we’re struggling with that.

I made an impromptu trip home to Michigan a few weeks ago to take care of some bidness. I should have done more head banging and knee kicking while I was there, but we’ll be back in July, when it will actually be a vacation, so I hope to be able to visit more people than I was able to on my weeklong whirlwind working (take THAT alliteration)  vacation that week.

So I’m hoping to remember to post more.. I’ve been slacking, but not really.

Coming from a state which unions drove a stake into, crucified, and then threw in a hole full of tar and feathers, I was, needless to say, VERY unhappy with the fact that I would be forced into union membership. For reference, I am a member of The Wimps.

Last year, the good ol boys decided that the company offer wasn’t good enough, and struck for 57 days during the 4th quarter.  They finally came back, with no REAL progress in the new contract, and happily accepted a 5000 dollar, or 10% of their yearly salary (whichever was greater) bonus.  They ratified their new contract the day that our negotiations were to begin. Typically, I was told, we build on what they give the good ol boys, and get a bit more.

Apparently, this is not true.

Not only did we NOT get a signing bonus (their excuse, well, you guys participate in the EIP (more on that later (embedded parentheses)), our raises over the next few years are significantly lower than the good ol boys,. Basically, as my lead put it, we bent over and took it like good little engineers.

So last Wednesday, we post a 54 million dollar loss for the 4th quarter. BIG surprise, right? Since we didn’t work on or deliver any airplanes for 57 days. And now, the good ol boys union has the gall to say that it has absolutely nothing to do with the strike. Incidentally, Wednesday we find out that our EIP (employee incentive plan), which is tied to profits, has been cut to 6 days, rather than the 10 they got last year, because we lost money in the 4th quarter.But this has nothing to do with the strike! REALLY! Because you know, if we had delivered oh, one or two more planes, we would have made that money back.

So, thanks a lot you greedy machinists bastards for taking your fat bonuses and screwing me out of mine. I hope it was one of you militant bastards whose truck I dented in the parking lot the other day. By the way, there was NO dent in mine.

If I had a picture of me flipping the bird, it would be… here.

So I’ll make this quick and get to the good stuff. 5 more pounds till the 100 pound mark (since surgery, not including pre-op loss) I feel damn good about myself.  I’m actually stealing Dan’s jeans, which makes him unhappy, but since he had to buy new ones anyway, its ok. I can almost get those on too, give me about 15 more pounds and I think it will happen.

Work has been busy, we have a lot of restructuring and other crazy goodness going on. I’m still not sure who my manager is now. But I just keep doing my job, and hope someday to have a “hi, I’m your new manager, nice to meet you” email. Joe.. something.

I’m getting back into workouts hardcore, it’s all part of my master evil plan.

So, without further ado, here is the Christmas/Holiday picture goodness :

The calm before the storm, thank you to the many generous family members who made Christmas so wonderful for my kids.

Santa Came!!

That weekend, we visited the Seattle Children’s museum, it was our first time there and the girls had a blast!

So as you can see, we’ve been very active lately. We have several upcoming visits to look forward to from both family and friends, and we’re really really hoping to be able to get home sometime this summer. The most challenging part will be finding a house/pet sitter that isn’t intimidated by the birds and is willing to stay for a week.

Scene: Amelia, Dan and I are playing computer games. Amelia is on Nickjr. com

Amelia: I’m really good at this swiper game.

Dan: Yeah, you’re good at those games

Amelia: Yeah, I’m pretty good at these games, thats why I’m so great.

Confident.. if not slightly egotistic..