Nyrial

The past couple of days I’ve felt myself slipping into old depression, I’m trying not to read too much into it, due to it being so close to being back to work/responsibilities and away from home. Our trip home merely solidified for me in my mind how homesick I really am. I had two appointments today, for some reason I have a hard time bringing up how I truly feel to my therapist. He’s nice and all, but somehow I just don’t see how we click. He doesn’t ask the right questions maybe, and we get things accomplished, but I have a hard time saying to him “I’m depressed today” and then trying to explain why. A lot of good things have happened over the past couple of weeks. I have no reason to be depressed. The other appointment was with the doctor for medication questions and stuff. So far we’re sticking with the same regimen for the next month, which is ok with me, when I remember to take it. I slacked a bit on the meds when I was home, partly because I felt good, which is a huge no-no, but also because I was simply so busy that I forgot. I’ve never been good at remember to take meds, which is how my first child also happened to come about.. But that’s another story entirely.

Up until now, for the past few weeks, I almost felt like myself, but just the last couple of days it’s gotten a bit more rough. So I guess that even though they seem to be working, I’m still having disturbing thoughts. Statistics seem to be on my side in many ways now that I’m being treated, but there’s always the figuring that I’ll never be truly normal. I really don’t want to be that 50 year old woman across from me in therapy who just wants to die. And if the medication can’t put more of a stop those thoughts, then what’s the point of taking it?

Things are decidedly back to normal here today. Yesterday’s big news has all but been forgotten and it’s business as usual. Lost my focus for the day, as usual, don’t particularly feel like doing this at this very moment, as usual, and waiting on other people, as usual. Of course talking about work, I’ll be working a few days while I’m in Michigan, we have a massive blockpoint coming up and I hope I’ll be able to download it, or else I’m hosed. Luckily I’ll be taking a sick day (dentist) the day it happens, so the calls to the help desk will have some time to taper off.

It’s good. Yes?

I’m starting to count down the days to our trip home, then panic as I realize that I only have that many left to clean the house, get affairs with the animals straightened around, and basically make sure everyone will survive. I’m worried I’ll come home to a plucked Goffin, as she’s particularly neurotic anyway, and slight changes upset her a lot. I swear my birds are higher maintenance than my kids. I worry that they will be too loud for their caretaker, although she can always bring them back to the house, but then I worry that she has to drive all the way out there twice a day to take care of them. So this all evolves into other worries, which wreaks havoc on my state of mind. As much as I look forward to going home, I’m ready to stay here just so I don’t have to worry about cleaning the house, doing the laundry, making sure the bird cages are scrubbed, checking the cars’ brakes, which I know need to be repaired, and of course I don’t have the money. Top that off with working all of my allowed overtime this week and it’s turning me into a total wreck. I’m just glad the psych refilled my meds for me, because this is utterly ridiculous.

they announced another delay in the program. I feel this video is especially fitting to how most of us feel right now. I know, I posted it on facebook not too long ago..

So, right after I posted this, I looked at Twitter, anddd I found this video from John Ostrower, who was on the conference call.

John’s blog can be found here and is well worth a look at if you have any interest in airplanes at all.

For most of my life I’ve been a pretty bad student. I distinctly remember once in 3rd grade, we were working on division, and Mrs. O came around and caught me drawing pictures of horses in a notebook. I remember not remembering a word in french class, not because I didn’t want to learn, but because it was simply boring and irrelevant to me. I remember zoning out a lot in most of my classes. I finally mentioned something about it to my doctor last week, and he thinks it’s because of the anxiety. I mentioned it because I’m having a harder and harder time concentrating at work. I’m ok in the morning, but as soon as 10 o clock or so rolls around, I may as well forget it. I can tell myself to concentrate, force myself to work all I want, but I last about 5 minutes, and then my attention is elsewhere. I’m going to give this about a month longer, if it keeps up, I’m bringing up adult ADD, because I can’t have this jeopardizing my job. Hell, I’m already on medicine for all sorts of crazy stuff, why not add to the drug cocktail?

It’s been almost 3 months since I last posted. So much has happened that I feel like a totally different person than who I was then.  To take a page from my sister’s old blog, let me begin by re-introducing myself.

My name is Anna. I’m a mother of 2, and work for a large aerospace company with the bulk of their commercial operations in the Puget Sound region. If you’ve ever flown, you’ve more than likely flown on one of our airplanes.

I never imagined I would be doing this for a living, or that I’d love it so much.

Last year my husband, Dan, and I, moved here for me to take this job. I was born and raised in Grand Rapids, MI. If there were jobs there that paid more than 12 dollars an hour, and had any kind of decent benefits at all, I would much rather be there. Dan drives a business delivery route for a large wholesale company based in the Puget Sound area. He never thought he would like a job this much either.

My posts  as of late have been sporadic and pointless. It’s not that I mean them to be that way, but I finally have some reasoning for my insane ramblings. 5 weeks ago I was hospitalized for, and diagnosed as being bipolar, as well as having an anxiety disorder. This is my second major hospitalization in a year, and just as life changing as the bariatric surgery I went through last July. One changed my appearance outwardly, the other has forced me to examine the way I look at myself, my world, and the way I interact with those around me.

To be honest, I’m not sure where I’m going to go with this from here on out. I  just got kicked in the ass with tuition taxes on my paycheck, and I have better things to do with 11 dollars a month than support a website. I’m going to try to keep it up, going to try to keep blogging. Most of the time I’m not in the right state of mind, so forgive me if I go awhile without posting. So, to end, I want to thank the people who have been here with me the last month and a half, especially my mom and little sister, for giving up a chunk of their lives to come help me straighten myself out, my husband for putting up with it all, and the friends who have been understanding and non-judgmental of the things I’ve said and done.